It's Wednesday!! That's not really news , now is it? Well, here I am , stuck on the couch with my son who has been out of school all week because of flu and pink eye that doesn't seem to be getting better. Both days, I took him outside, played, went shopping, and when I called the doctor today, they said that he needs to be inside, stationary, in bed or on a couch, watching spongebob or whatever it is they watch, and pushing fluids.
Needless to say, Eban is just as wiggly as I am, so this is going to be a long day for both of us. The second I get off the couch, he's wrestling with the dog. He's outside messing with the fish pond. He's running up and down the stairs and across the second story catwalk thing in the house. He must stay still. So to accomplish that, I must stay still.
So, I have decided to write a bloggy thing today and share a funny story.
Everyone who knows me knows that, relationship wise....eehh.....let's just say , I figured I was doomed to be alone and had accepted that after the last one went belly up. And by belly up I mean belly up, on a sidewalk in scorching sun, while cars drove by mud puddles and splashed you, and birds pecked your face and pigeons pooped on you and babies laughed at you as their mothers covered their eyes and stepped over you as they continued their happy perfect lives while even the Jehovas Witnesses figured handing you a flier would be a waste of resources. That kind of belly up.
Wait, sorry, I told you this would be a funny story.
Well, when I used to work in the international division at the airline, my favorite person to work on the early shift with was Joy because she was as cranky and pessimistic as I was and the only one who didn't think I was a jerk for not giving honeymooners a free upgrade.
Never mind the fact that the airline has an off-with-your-head policy about giving away free upgrades anyway, but in those cases, it really didn't bother me.
First of all, working all Carribean departures in the morning sucked because it was early. And I don't do early. So, I'm already cranky. Add to that my jaded opinion about starry-eyed love and touchy feely nauseating newlyweds, by the hundreds, every morning and you have a pretty hostile person working the gate.
In the summer, every single carribean flight seems to be booked with honeymooners. I mean the WHOLE flight. Because that's what you do, you get married in the summer and go honeymoon somewhere tropical.
My hostility was probably one part jealousy that I never got that traditional wedding and honeymoon experience I always wanted, one part mad that I didn't have the money to take myself to the carribean even though I could fly free and one part caffiene deficiency.
So here we are, me and Joy working the gate. We're totally inappropriate together.
I mean, the first ten couples checking in and saying they're on their honeymoon "wink wink" which in honeymooner speak means "can we have a free upgrade", were usually all we could take before we'd "go down to check the plane". And by "go down to check the plane" I mean gripe that why do they always want a free upgrade, I know they got tons of money as wedding gifts, and they don't care if we get fired over it and they're probably gonna get divorced within a year anyway," did you see that guy checking out that flight attendant while his new wife was getting coffeee OMG"
Yeah, I know. We were jerks. But in my defense, true love and that starry eyed goofy stuff never lasted for me. I never got forever after and the divorce rate in this country proves that not many other people do either. Then I'd blame it all on Disney because from birth, we're force fed this Prince Charming, Saving the Princess, beautiful ballgown, Cinderella happily ever after dream. And it didnt help that when I would go look in a reservation to adjust seats for these honeymooners, I'd see that the email that was used by Passenger Bob to pay for his ticket was
DiscreetBobLovesBlondes@dirtymail.com (dont click that, it just did that by itself), his wife Lisa was a brunette and is explaining that these tickets were a surprise. Further more, when they fill out the personal data sheet at the gate on the back of the boarding pass, Bob has put his email address as BobLovesLisaForeverAtYahoo.com. As Lisa is getting coffee, Bob won't stop staring at the flight attendant's bum as the crew is checking in at the desk.
Seriously, it's just crap, right?! That's what I thought.
So Joy and I made up a drinking game to deal with our sarcasm. We knew it was wrong to be mean to these kids just starting out. We knew some of them would make it. We knew it was none of our business and who are we to take away from their joy. Well I knew that. I am not sure if Joy was on board with giving a crap or not, because usually she was on the phone with payroll about them shorting her twelve cents and they were interrupting her call by checking in.
Anyway, we invented a fake drinking game. At the beginning of our shift, we would decide what "drink" we were having. And every time honeymooners would check in and do the wink wink honeymoon thing, we'd have eye contact and have a mental shot. Then we'd be mentally wasted by the time the flight left the gate. It seems kind of pointless but the game made it kind of tolerable and it was a way we could get our kicks when we'd rather purposefully seperate the honeymooners across the plane from each other. One time Joy got so mentally wasted she pulled the bridge off the plane and shut the door and left me on it and I didnt figure it out until it was pushing back. But that's another story.
Again, I can't speak for Joy but I hated the honeymooners. They came in droves and they represented reminders to me of all the failed relationships I'd barrelled through and I thought it was unfair that I never got that and I never would. I'm pretty sure Joy's irritation stemmed from having more profitable things to do like that smarte cart over there someone left and the free quarter that pops out of the return bin that has her name ALL OVER IT. OH wait, you have another question? Someone else has noticed the smarte carte. Well you just cost Joy a quarter, so good luck with getting out of the middle seat.
( I love Joy, and because she is still probably terrorizing passengers with the airline's own policies, I made her name totally different and also read the disclaimer at the bottom)
Anyway I also hadn't watched romantic comedies or The Notebook in years. Any date I had, I'd tell them I wanted to watch a bloody action flick or lots of blowing things up. I claimed to be emotionally unreachable and I acted obnoxious because I didn't want to be dumped, I wanted to make sure I'd never get hurt again. Whatever it took to get the Disney Dreams away.
And now here we are....planning a wedding....and a honeymoon....and because it would be way too hypocritical for me to ask my airline friends to upgrade me (flight 733, London to Charlotte, July 20 ahem) we will use money or miles to get that upgrade.
Haha,so, here I am, I am Shannon, and I was a Hater turned Honeymooner. Joy, what are you drinking??
HAHA!! Love you all!!
DISCLAIMER TIME!! Allright, I totally made this up, it's complete fiction, and if anyone from any airline reads this hoping to get "Joy" in trouble, I would like to point out that I am completely full of crap and totally lying. PS you can't prove it.
Snuggles!!
